So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All the doctor said was why
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
