Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize