We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
