You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
