Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
