Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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