Princesses don't give blow jobs
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
