doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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