i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
