WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
