Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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