I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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