Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
