she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
