Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Let's paint friendship bongs
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
