Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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