The maid of honor just puked.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
