i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
