ya dads aren't the best wingmen
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
