my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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