My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
