I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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