sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize