Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
