answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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