i need an iv and a liver transplant
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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