Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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