I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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