I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize