Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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