True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
