i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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