she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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