were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
