Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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