Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
