i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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