Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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