Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
