I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
