My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
