How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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