smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just found a bag of teeth...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
