another moral hangover. fuck.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
