I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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