I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
