Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
