This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
