thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
