what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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