Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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