my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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