Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
