I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
