just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
MIDGETS
????
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
