Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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