i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
