his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
