hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
