She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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