I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
