Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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