My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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