Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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