I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I came so hard my ears popped.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
