I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
