Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
