you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize