I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize