I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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